Insecurities?

I think I have learned last year that MANY people are insecure. They're always afraid of looking like a loner, seriously afraid of what others will think of them, and maybe even hurting others emotionally just to make themselves feel better.

Oh, please. Last year, after I learned that many people are insecure, I've let go some of that myself. I used to be afraid of sitting alone at a table or afraid of walking somewhere alone. But I don't care anymore. I sit all by myself with other people around me with their friends. I go walk and shop alone somewhere if I need to. As long as I'm occupied while I'm sitting or going somewhere, I really don't give a shit what other people think. I don't care if they think I'm a loner. I don't care if people are looking at me weird if I'm shopping alone. I just don't care anymore.

Life is too short for me to care about what other people think ALL THE TIME. Sure, I'll admit I do care what other people think when I dress a little messy or when I do or say something weird, but the thing I don't care about most is if they think that I'm some sort of loner. Many people tell their friends "Hey, come with me. I don't want to go alone." Maybe they feel insecure, maybe they just want company. But ALL THE TIME? I don't even care. I just say I'll be back and walk off.

SO many people are always saying they have so many friends and show it all the time. . .but are those people really what you call "friends"? Oddly, I will refer to FaceBook. Sure. You have 290 friends on FaceBook and say that other people are loners when they only have 50 friends. But do you even talk to every single one of those 290 all the time? I don't add people who I don't even say a WORD to. If they add me, I'll accept. But I don't go around adding people I've only SEEN around campus and then calling them my FRIENDS. It's just stupid. I have a small range of friends who are really FRIENDS. I don't care if I tell people I only have 20-30 friends max because it's true and it's because they actually talk to me and accept me.

I remember one time someone saw my buddy list for AIM and was all "Wow. AHAHA. You're SUCH a loner." Just because I don't have 500 buddies on my list just to make me look good. I just shrug it off and if they persist with it, I get mad. I don't get mad because they have more "buddies" than me, I get mad because they indirectly want me to feel insecure just so they make themselves feel better. I just think that in the end, my small range of friends will be there for me when other people's 500 "buddies" are only names on a list.

Sigh. I don't even know if this all makes sense but whatever.

"People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed with their fears at the expense of their dreams."
--Norman Cousins

"Only the insecure strive for security."
-- Wayne Dyer

Traveling. ♥

Right now, I'm talking to my friend about my plan to travel to Taiwan very soon. When I think about it, my heart flutters. Traveling has been on my mind ever since freshman year. Travel everywhere in the world. Europe, Taiwan, even Africa. My ultimate plan for travel is in my heart and I will write my experiences in a journal. I have already accomplished one out of six during the summer. I have all my plane tickets too. (:

I don't know why I chose to travel as an ultimate goal. Maybe because I think of how much is out there and how different things are. Maybe because I just want to get out of the suffocating surroundings of the United States. I don't know for sure but all I know is that traveling is planted in my heart and will be watered by each place I travel. The love of it continues to grow each time I travel and hopefully when I'm finished, the love of it blooms and I will be satisfied.

I also hope for a traveling companion. That would make my experience 10xs better because I get to share my traveling with someone whom I love to be with. Let it be a friend, a close family member, or a love.

I'm hoping my next traveling plan is Europe. Then maybe South America.

Accomplishment: Two out of seven. I am going to finish.

"The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page."
--Saint Augustine

______________

How to label this post, I'm not quite sure.

Thinking back on it now is different than it was two months ago. Two months ago, it pained my heart continuously. The aspects of the mix of friendship and love fogged up like a heavy, thick mist crossing my path. I'm not sure what has happened now; maybe it got numbed out, maybe I just got used to it. This isn't fear because I'm not running away. . .am I? Tears have not run down my face in a while. Is this someday going to hit me hard? I am not upset that this has happened but I'm not happy either.

I know I complain about that person many times but he affected me so much. Three years with a serious on and off relation with the f-king guy is. . .ridiculous. But it's finally done. We will never go back to each other. He kept breaking me and breaking me until I've finally shattered. I'm fucking done.
___________________________________________________________

On a different note, six days away until this year is completely gone. 2009. . .gone. I remember when I JUST started high school and the first person I remembered who went to Fountain Valley High was my cousin who was a senior. Now I'M the one who's in his place. When I got the envelope packet for cap and gown, I was just. . .dumbfounded. The next are rejection letters from colleges. Puahaha. Well the first thing for school when we all go back two weeks from now is to get used to writing '10 on our papers.

When I think of the future, my eyes stare off and my mind wanders. If anything, there is an equal amount of negatives and positives in the future. I'm terribly afraid of the negatives, and I'm awaiting the positives.

Speaking of positives, I think I've taken a piece of my former best friend with me along the way in high school. She always believed in fate and how random occurrences aren't really random. I've been noticing that I've been believing in fate a lot now too. Puahaha. Sounds ridiculous but if I meet someone and they become a friend or maybe even something more to me, I truly think it's fate and not a random draw of the cards. Maybe I'm completely wrong, or sometimes I may be right. Who knows. The cards might be randomly delt, or the deck could be completely rigged and is meant for each individual.

2010. . .I hope my cards are delt nicely, unlike 2009.

Merry Christmas, and almost a Happy New Year.

"Just because Fate doesn't deal you the right cards, it doesn't mean you should give up. It just means you have to play the cards you get to their maximum potential."
--Les Brown

What have I become?

I have no passion for any clubs this year. I say that I'll do things but then I don't. I say I'll better myself but I end up turning around. I feel like just doing the minimum for things instead of aiming for a high achievement. I just sit around lazily, not bothering to spend my time decently.

This year is nearly over and I vowed when senior year started, I'm going to do as much as I can to make senior year memorable. And what have I done? I HAVEN'T DONE SHIT. I truly wanted to go to the Rose Float Decoration event this year but in the end, I didn't even bother and pay for Key Club. My college applications are at an extreme minimum. My sights of a UC are fading away. I wanted to join 3 club this year but in the end I joined NONE.

I'm trying the best I can to make things right. Make things last. Make things memorable. But I'm doing the extreme opposite. My heart's breaking when I think of what I'm becoming.

I wish and hope to vow for 2010 to be the change-for-the-better year. I need to. I hope to. I truly hope to.

I truly wonder what I have become.

"By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail."
-- Benjamin Franklin

Learning.

There are so many lessons that must be learned throughout life: true friendships, going through hardships, standing up high, letting go, and so much more. But the true difficulty is how well and how long it will take to accomplish these lessons in life. We might think we know, say, what a true friendship is; but when something goes wrong, it all heads down to square one again and we're so lost on what a friendship really is.

Right now, true friendship and letting go are my demanding lessons that I must learn more than little by little. I've hurt people and I've been hurt way too many times.

I think that I'm being a good friend but in the end, I'm still trying to figure out how to be a TRUE good friend. My actions that have taken place lately were not actions of a true friend. But the thing is, I don't know how to deal with my emotions such as annoyance or tiredness towards a friend. And that is what I must learn. And I hope I learn soon.

Letting go has never been an easy thing for me. It's always held me back and beat my heart to a pulp. I THINK that I finally let go but then I snap back to the start. . .especially when it comes to someone I love(d). Sometimes I dream of finally meeting the guy who will take me away and finally not shatter my heart into pieces but then my mind drifts back to the stuck situation I'm in now and I droop my head because this is the reality of what my heart is currently feeling. I wish for the right guy. . .but that will never happen.

Lessons of life are difficult to wrap one's mind around but maybe, just maybe, when they are finally learned, there will be the biggest sense of accomplishment in the future and the heart will finally feel like it's set free.

"The difference between school and life? In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson."
-- Tom Bodett

Losing it all.

I've lost my best friend who I thought would stay by my side as I did for him. The one who I wrote a big part of a paragraph in my UC essay because he inspired me and had such a big impact on me. The one who I told everything to. The one I always turned to.

I've lost a good friend of mine who was my friend since freshman year. She knew that I was the moody type but she still stuck with me as a friend and put up with me, though sometimes I took her for granted. I never used her. Ever. Though sometimes we'd have these negative moments, we were still friends.

Now I'm going to lose my puppy. My adorable, hyper, crazy, fierce, scared 3-year-old Tofu Lee. I love him to death. He's the only one who, no matter how mean I treat him sometimes, still comes running up to me when he sees me in the backyard, hyped up and ready to play. My emotional attachment towards him is the strongest I've ever had for any pet, though he does trouble me and my parents a lot. But they even love him. I even asked my mom and she said that she and my dad don't want to give him away at all but we have to because he's only trouble in our hands. If I were to turn back time to the moment I got him, I would have trained him hard and disciplined him so he doesn't have to be so troublesome. I love my puppy so much. Now he's going to be gone by latest this week.

This month has been horrifying for me and now I'm going to have to face December, when the two painful events occurred last year. I can't stand the thoughts of any future events right now. These two months have ripped and are still going to rip me apart even further.

I don't know how to handle the moments that are going to come at me like a sword in the stomach.

"When we lose one we love, our bitterest tears are called forth by the memory of hours when we loved not enough."
--Maurice Maeterlinck

Friend or foe?

I know. I've posted a blog about friends a few months ago but this time it's different.

Today, I've had a few conversations about friendship. . .and it's horrendous.

The first one was practically a, shall I say, confusing deception? Two people don't really like each other but one still tries to act like a friend but the other. . .is furious. The way two friends treat each other past the limit. . .it's outrageous. Yes, ridiculing each other a little is alright because that's what all friends do. But up to the point where it's completely offensive phrase after phrase. . .don't people understand a limit? This may bite me in the back later but I don't know. Like my title of the blog, "Thoughts on paper."

The second was how some people can be self-centered. I guess I've realized that One somewhat self-centered person after the other, I have learned how to deal with it. And now I guess. . .tolerate? Maybe not completely self-centered people but self-centered comments.

I don't even know what I'm blabbing about right now but friendship. . .I can't even tell what a true friendship is anymore. People talk behind each others' backs, they use each other, they pretend to have something between them when there really isn't anything. . .it just leaves me speechless. I know, I may do that too sometimes. . .but I don't know. It just shows how much oddity and meaningless words there are behind "friendship" now.

Tell me, what is a real, true, there-for-you-and-you're-there-for-him/her friend now?

"The path of social advancement is, and must be, strewn with broken friendships."
--H.G. Wells

Dazed thoughts.

As my eyes fall into a daze, my mind falls into a pool of changes. Changes that I never knew would take place. Changes that I have to put up with. . .and these aren't the only ones I'm going to deal with. There are going to be ten million more handful of changes that I'm going to have to face. I hope the positives outweigh the negatives.

The hastiness of time races by the stillness of my actions. I stand and stare at the profile of the moments I almost have to set my eyes on face-to-face. My heart races and the beads of sweat form, trickling down my temples. I tell myself I cannot do this but myself argues back that I can. I must. These moments will not linger for me. I close my eyes and think that the fact that these moments are so close frightens me.

"The key to change... is to let go of fear."
-- Rosanne Cash
But what if what I'm afraid of is change?

Forgetting the simplicities.

These past few weeks have been, truthfully, complete hell. There were only a few good times but the hell-ish days outweigh the positiveness by so much. I'm starting to forget the simplicities and silliness that I need to enjoy. But today I think I finally had my best laugh in weeks.
After I got home from tutoring, my mom was messing with the badminton rackets and the birdie. Then I joked around and offered to play. She gave me the second racket. Then we started to ATTEMPT to play badminton in the living room. We hit the birdie ALL over the place. My mom usually doesn't do silly things like this but when she does and I'm included, I have those hilarious "what the hell are my mom and I doing?" moments. And this was one of them. We kept playing badminton. And then my mom even said "When your dad comes downstairs, we have to stop or else he's going to yell at us for almost hitting the TV!" I laughed so hard. My dad finally comes downstairs and asks what we're doing. Then he gets all concerned about the TV so my mom and I moved to the small family room near the front door. We started to play again. When my mom kept accidentally hitting the ceiling, I cracked up so bad. I could NOT stop laughing. I'm still sick so I couldn't breathe even more than when I just crack up in general. It was the most hilarious thing I've ever seen.
I guess the whole point of that was to say that these silly moments give me a small sigh of relief that life didn't suddenly turn into complete stress and complications.

"Laughter is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain."
--Charlie Chaplin

I'm really out of it.

I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm dazing out, especially when I'm driving.
Today I almost accidentally hit a pedestrian. If my mom didn't point him out, I would have committed a crime.
The other day I don't even know if I ran a red light or not.
I sometimes don't pay attention to if the light turned green or not.
I'm a total hazard. -_-

Anyhoo, besides dazing out when I'm driving, I keep dazing out when I'm in class too. I get so tired and gah. I don't even know.

I thought October was going to be annoyingly stressful, but November is terribly stressful now. There's too many things to do. Well. . .overall, it's just academic business. Grades and college applications. But I keep putting them both off because I'm so damn lazy. I have to change the habit. And fast.

I miss my tutoring buddies so much, too. I want to see them all again really soon. They were like a small family to me, and still are, even though we're all separated. The day we're all finally together again, I'll be the happiest person for that day. I miss you guys so much Bianca, Nhan, Tammy, Brian, and Cindy (pshh I still see Aaron every week :P Though I do miss him on Mondays!). I hope I see you guys soon. (: (Oh, and who Tammy calls widdo freshman, Albert! I miss him too!)

Things are starting to become a real challenge, but I hope to look at these challenges as just a mountain to climb over. . .as just an ocean to swim across.

"I do believe that when we face challenges in life that are far beyond our own power, it's an opportunity to build on our faith, inner strength, and courage. I've learned that how we face challenges plays a big role in the outcome of them."
-- Sasha Azevedo

"Accept the challenges so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory."
-- General George S. Patton

What's on my mind?

a)15 minutes left of this spooky night. The end of another day. Happy Halloween.

b)I've gotten sick and have been sick for the past 3 days now. It's not fun. NyQuil makes me drowsy. That's the only funny thing (: rofl.

c)Today I gave Nhan's present! I'm proud of it. [: It makes me want to make a collage out of my blank wall in my room. Maybe I'll do that soon.

d)Tomorrow. . .the start of a stressful pressure for me. I'm going to push myself to the extreme limit. I don't have time to slack off anymore. I've slacked off for 2 months and my grades have dropped like a rock out of the blue, blue sky.

e)I JUST finished signing up for my SAT Subject Tests II's. I have a little over a month to study two subjects. I'm dead meat.

f)My classes are starting to pressure and fall in on me faster and faster. I'm starting to suffocate with the grades that are colliding on me.

g)Academics, academics, academics. The only word that's on my mind now.

h)College applications due soon! This is crazy. Why is it being thrown so fast? My tests. . .my grades.

i)I need music to calm me. But how much longer can it control my mind before it spins?

j) ALL OF THE ABOVE.

"The only pressure I'm under is the pressure I've put on myself."
--Mark Messier

What's going to happen now?

The first thing I'd like to say is. . .

I want to watch the movie "The Blind Side". I'm already about to cry watching the trailer. I can't wait to go watch it. (: Hopefully.

Anyhoo, moving on.

So, I already see that there's no point for me having feeling for anyone because they backfire on me anyway. I'm keeping my heart to myself. I need to protect it and keep it safe from any harm. It's been smashed and stomped on once too many times throughout this year. I just have to smile, walk on, and find someone someday.
"In this monochrome world, I will search the depths of the earth and the limitless skies for you. . ." I'll search for you. Somewhere, someday.

It's coming closer and closer to December. The month I hate. It feels as if it was just last year that those two heartbreaking moments happened to me. It's almost been a year since Ah-ma passed. I can still picture that last moment I saw her. That tear that formed from her eyes. She knew. . .she knew. I want to cry, so bad. I'm going to ask my parents to go to Rose Hill on December 28th.
The other heartbreak was that stupid idiot. I don't even want to talk about him.
Never again, will I ever experience December '08.
Oh, how time passes by like the wind that quickly blows.

Today, my English class went into the library with two other classes so Mr. Walters could talk to us about college. Sean Nguyen was next to me and started to freak out. Inside, I was starting to get more and more scared, too. I knew this moment would come but I never thought that it would come and hit me in the face SO fast. I just stare at a hard-copy of an application that I am considering. I haven't even touched it yet. And it's due very soon because it's a private school. I'm screwed. But the thing is, I don't know WHY I still sit here, lagging it out even though I KNOW I'm on a strict deadline. I'm so scared to face any of this.

What's going to happen now?

"Predicting the future is easy.
It's trying to figure out what's going on now that's hard."
--Fritz R. S. Dressler

The soothing sounds of the piano.

I've been really into piano music, nowadays. The only music I've listened to recently is just piano on my Pandora Radio - Yiruma list. I love it. It's so calming. And if I listen to all different piano songs, I wouldn't know if it's a repeat or not because they all bend together and it's just beautiful. (: Like, right now, I'm listening to Daybreak by Steven C. I don't know who the heck he is but his song is wonderful. Some of the music is just heartbreaking but amazing at the same time.

I think I started listening to piano music ever since I heard Yiruma - River Flows In You. That's such a wonderful piece. And then I kept moving up with Yiruma music. Then I listened to Clair De Lune. And then I played a game with the song Before Dawn by Isaac Shepard. And so on. Now it's this whole beautiful playlist. I just love this so much.

I don't know why piano music hooks me on so much. Maybe it's just the calm melody, or maybe the sorrowfulness of the melody. Or even both. [: All I can conclude is that I can't stop listening. When I do. . .then I'm a changed person. [: I don't know. hahaha.

"[The piano is] able to communicate the subtlest universal truths by means of wood, metal and vibrating air."
"No other acoustic instrument can match the piano's expressive range, and no electric instrument can match its mystery."
--Both by Kenneth Miller

Denial.

Part of my mind is pushing me to believe it, the other part is telling me "NO!". . .completely in denial. Because I believe that this is NOT possible. And this must be a joke to myself. Yeah, that should be it. I'm just feeling this way because my heart doesn't belong to anyone. I've known this guy ever since 7th grade. Why would it happen RIGHT NOW? Delusional, delusional, delusional. It has to be it. And it would never happen, anyway. Never ever. I know that. Today I've been going crazy because of the above. >:l Arghhh!

Yeahhh. . .I'm just going a little crazy and need to back off. -_-

Halloween is coming up NEXT WEEK! I don't think trick-or-treating is an option for me. xD Maybe. Just maybe. Hmm. School's too much of a routine. I wish there was some way I could change it up a bit. But then again. . .it's passing by REALLY fast. It's already been more than a month of school. The next time I blink, it will be the end of December already. Time is amazingly scary.

I hope something extraordinary happens this senior year; just one moment that will leave me breathless.

"It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept."
--Bill Watterson

Oh, how life can be so interesting.

The heart squeezes tight and then suddenly bursts.
Then it has no feelings at all anymore.

The loss of the feeling of happiness and love is the total numbness of the happy side of the heart. All that is left is the pain and suffering and memories of the shattered side of the heart.

Love and happiness is no longer present in the heart.







Senior year is killing me ): Just a bit. But I'm trying to keep my head up and continue to try and do well in my classes. I don't know why I feel as if I should just give up on senior year. Senioritis? Maybe so. I told myself it wouldn't hit me though! I have to stay alive in this wilderness of the last year of high school. I can do it, can't I?

I think I have found something that could make me feel the best that I've wanted to feel about myself. I found a homeless shelter called Colette's Home (or something around there) and it's right here around Fountain Valley and Huntington Beach. I just wonder why they need my fingerprints. . .but I'm hoping to turn in the forms soon and help out with children and make them happy. (=


"If something anticipated arrives too late it finds us numb, wrung out from waiting, and we feel - nothing at all. The best things arrive on time."
-Dorothy Gilman

Posting again?

It's been MONTHS since I posted anything. I kind of miss it.

This past summer was very. . .interesting.

My heart finally gave up on the one I loved in the beginning of the summer.

I headed for my trip to Vietnam/China/Hong Kong.

It was an amazing trip. Despite the 14 hour flight there and 12 hour flight back, I enjoyed the other side of the world. It was extraordinary. My very first trip to the other side of the world. So I have visited 2/7 continents. 5 more to go. I hope Europe is next.

Then my heart slowly crept back to the one I loved. No matter how much I pull away from him, I snap back and fall head-over-heels for him all over again.

Now, I still love him so much, though I don't think he feels the same. But I have stuck with the quote
"Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love."
== 1 Corinthians 13: 4-13
I will wait until this love naturally disappears, no matter how much it hurts me. I have learned that I cannot force love to go away. My heart won't allow that.

He just doesn't get how much he means to me.

Sometimes I despise myself for truly loving him so much.

P.S.: Hello, Senior year. The last year of high school. The year before we leave off to something bigger, something new. The year where many changes are going to take place.

Doorway of my life.

I haven't posted in a while. =/

Things have been climbing up and falling down for me. The good and the bad? Well let's see. . .

Good: I've become GREAT friends with someone who I talk with everyday and hang out with a lot now.
My grades are steady for now.
I haven't cried for a while.
I might have realized who my real friends are for now.
I'm learning to deal with the consistent friend problems I have.

Bad: I hate it when I see him.
I think I've accidentally lost some friends recently. A handful of them.
I see clear, consistent changes in many people who used to be close to me.
Days are getting closer and closer until I have to cram for college admission tests.
I've realized that I've been seen differently in many peoples' eyes.
I think I've been lied to MANY times and still am being lied to.

=/ Negatives win. . .oh well.

My life is still an open doorway where people just walk in and out of it. Very few still actually stay. . .and those who have stayed have gotten bored and left.

Funny how things come together and then shatter apart.

"Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart"
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Giving up.

Giving up is what I want to do. I want to feel apathy towards anything that is hurting me right now. I want to go numb in the heart. I don't want to feel any pain anymore.

I've shattered over and over again these past 3 months. I'm so lost, so confused, so hopeless. My heart is at unease. I feel like I can fall apart anytime right now. I want to give up my heart overall. I don't want to feel the heartache anymore. I don't want to cry anymore over a stupid boy.

I've never felt such long-term pain in a long time. I've never hated thinking so much before. All I do is think about the times before. What did I do wrong? Why did this happen?

Love hurts. It hurts so much in the heart. I get jealous of all the girls he talks to. I get jealous that he's so happy and I'm still stuck here, trying to get over him. Everyday it hurts.

I'm going insane.

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up."
--Thomas Alva Edison

Changes.

Recently, I have been seeing changes in people, some are for the worse. Some are becoming people who they are not, some are just becoming people who I despise.

I know a person who is changing into someone who I don't like at all. When I'm around her, I don't even enjoy talking to her or being around her anymore. Before, we used to have a lot of laughs but now. . .it's just blank. I don't feel close to her anymore. She's someone who I don't understand anymore.


But I have seen those who change for the better. I know another person who used to have a bad habit of spreading her anger to others. When something bad happened, she would show that she was having it bad. But now, she's changed and is always laughing and probably keeps problems to herself to tell her close friends.

I realized that I'm changing too and I'm trying to aim for the better. I'm trying to make better friends and realizing that some people aren't even friends at all. But some are people who I can tell myself I NEED to keep in my life. But there are VERY few of those around.

"There is nothing wrong with change, if it is in the right direction"
-- Winston Churchill

Fun-filled weekend last week.

This past weekend, January 31st and February 1st, was probably the most fun weekend I've ever had for a long time.

On Saturday, Jan. 31st, I went to the Tet festival. It was very crowded. I was able to be with Kaz, Tammy, Tammy's friend Dean, Jacqueline, Albert, Nhan, and Tammy. (I hope I'm not missing anyone D:) We all met up around 2:00pm and stuck together until about 4:30pm. We played games and ate food and watched a little bit of the show onstage. There were many laughs and good times.

On Sunday, Feb. 1st, I went to the Surf City Marathon held at the Huntington Beach. I got up at 3:30am! And then I got to the sports complex by 4:20am. I saw Albert Ha again so I talked to him most of the time. But he had to go on another bus. I stuck around with the FV Key Club. Finally around 5:00am, our bus came and we headed to the station we were supposed to work at. We helped pass out water to the runners for about 10 hours straight! Very tiring. Afterward, I went to Sugar Shack on Main Street with Selina, Sean and Sam. We ate breakfast at 2:00pm! It was good though. Afterward, we just walked around a little and then I had to go. I was beat.

And now today. . .today has been a tiring day. I'm waiting in anticipation on something for 2 days but I bet the answer will disappoint me greatly and hurt me greatly. Why should I even bother.

Instead of a quote on this post, I'll just put up my cruddy poem. [':

I try various ways to suppress my love for you,
I try to suppress all the memories.
But my heart is chipping away again,
It just can’t seem to be at ease.

I try to avoid you as best I can,
Maybe if I don’t see you, I won’t love you anymore.
But then I start to get pulled towards you again,
Now I’m back to where I was before.

I try to think about how you’ve changed, how you’re different,
How you’re not the guy you used to be.
My mind starts to agree with the thoughts I process,
But it gets chased back to the memories of you and me.

I also try to convince myself that you’ve fallen for someone else,
That I’m not The One in your heart.
But sometimes the actions you make towards me
Leads me back to thoughts of how we can’t be apart.

As my mind fails to come together,
My heart is also conflicted and falling apart.
It tries to get away from the memories and the hurt,
But it always gets pulled back to the start.

As I suffer through the pain of loving you,
How are you feeling at this moment?
Do you miss me how I miss you?
Or is your love now for rent?

1/30/09 ©Eva Lee

Love.

Love is the greatest feeling in the world when you know that the person you love loves you back.

But then love can be the worst feeling in the world when you're madly in love with someone who doesn't feel a thing for you.

I've been in love 2 times so far. At least. . .in my terms, it was love.

When I think of love, I think of that funny feeling in my stomach when I think about him or being around him. I think about how he is the first person I think of every time I wake up and the last person I think of before I go to sleep. I think about the funny smile my lips create when I see him but I hide it. I think about how I'm not able to get him off my mind for long.

But there are also, like all things, the negative side of love.

When I think of the negative of love, I think about the heartaches I have to go through. I think about the tears I cry at night. I think about how I don't cross his mind when he crosses mine a million times. I think about how he'll never be mine.

I'm going to hate this Valentine's Day. My anniversary with him was the 14th of every month. And ironically, our 8th month would have been February 14th : Valentine's Day. Now that it's over, I'm dreading it more than ever. When the day comes, I'm going to be suffering it from the start til the end. I guarantee there will be at least one tear I'll be shedding on that day. I'm going to be so envious of the couples around me, how sweet and cute they look together. It'll break my heart because I could have been one of them but I'm not.

The worst thing is, though he had strong feelings for me since freshman year and I had feelings for him too, he's over me now while I'm still lingering here in the pain and the hurt.

I haven't cried about this relationship for a month. . .now the tears are back.

"In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing."
-- Mignon McLaughlin

True friends. . .can you define that for me, please?

Always there for you when you need them most. Always there to make you laugh. Always there, ready to punch out whoever hurt you. Always there to hear you out. Always there to support you on whatever you need support on.There's plenty more to that.

But truthfully, I used to have someone like that but I don't anymore. He fit into each of those descriptions. But he's someone else now. I don't know him anymore.

The term "best friend" is thrown around like a ball. I don't have a best friend. I don't have someone with open arms who I can turn to every single time. I don't have anyone who supports me 110%. Some call me a best friend but don't mean it. I'm tired of it. Why say something you don't mean?

I wish I had someone who was always there for me and I'll be there for them too. But it doesn't matter. People walk in and out of my life like a quick visit to wherever. I don't have anyone who will extend their visit and maybe even stay, and I probably never will.

"A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are."
--Unknown

Time flies.

Finals are finally OVER. No more not knowing what to study for, no more going crazy through all the chapters I've learned, no more of that. Just a three-day weekend sits in front of me.

Though finals were a killer, this week was probably the most I've laughed in a couple of months. I forgot the feeling of how much FUN and how much it feels good to laugh like how I did this week. Thanks to a friend who I've only started to talk to again for about 2 weeks, made me have more than a week's worth of HILARIOUS comments & jokes & videos. [: Thank you.

So, time flies so fast. It felt like just 3 hours ago that I was just freaking out because finals were starting. Now it's over. Before I know it, it's going to be the end of the school year. . .& college-searching starts.

Sometimes I stop & watch time pass by. Every hour, every minute, every second is wasted if it is used carelessly. I wish I spend my time wisely, but in the end, I just waste my time on so many things. Time doesn't stand still for anyone. That's what I've understood this year. Why waste time on feeling sad & helpless when you could replace those seconds on doing something you love? Though sometimes I can't help it & stop a few seconds to be sad about something, I try to tell myself that time is the most important thing for us & it shouldn't be used on useless feelings like that. I'm trying to reminisce less, & getting into the moment more. I'm trying to be more active in events that will probably never come by me for a 2nd time.

My heart is mending but is mended loosely so far. It still aches once in a while from the memories. But right now. . .I don't think I like anyone. . .but it doesn't matter. Why should I like anyone who I would just be wasting my time on, especially after he says no to me? Haha. So lame.

It's almost a month since my grandma's passing. It felt like it was just last week that it happened. Again. . .times passes quickly before our eyes.

"Time is free, but it's priceless. You can't
own it, but you can use it. You can't keep
it, but you can spend it. Once you've lost it
you can never get it back."
--Harvey MacKay

Disappointment.

It's funny how things can go up & get so much better one day, then plunge down the next.

The day after the last post, things were getting rocky and then everything fell. I was, and still am, disappointed in a few things.

Sometimes, I wonder why I should care so much for people who don't even take my care into consideration. It's just wasting my time. I also sometimes give advice which seem like it will actually work, but people just brush off that advice and go on as they are. WHY SHOULD I WASTE MY TIME AND BREATH ON PEOPLE WHO DON'T CARE ABOUT A WORD I SAY? Maybe it's because I give too much care to others. Maybe they just don't NEED my care. Well this is how I am as a friend. I CARE and will be there for anyone in an INSTANT. Maybe they want me as less of a friend? Then I'll just give less care to those who don't need it & save up that care for someone else who does.

Also, some people are so arrogant and a joke. They try to argue with me when all they do is contradict themselves and say things that don't make any sense, just to try to win the argument. Those people are frikkingg HILARIOUS. They just make a joke of themselves. And they say that I'm contradicting? I don't contradict in my arguments. I stick with the facts and stick with the side I'm supporting. And they say that I said things before and now I'm contradicting them? Well that's called CHANGING. I don't stay the same person and have the same feelings I once was and had before. I REALIZE things that I haven't before.

In the last post, I said I might be interested in someone? Not anymore. Forget having feelings for someone. All it does is break me inside in the end.

Finals are coming up and that's a disappointment too. I'm not ready at all. I'd like to be, but it's frustrating. I just want this week to fast forward.

I'm tired of things that I put too much effort in. It's totally pointless.

"The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes."
--Thomas Hardy

The brighter side of things.

Today's looking up just a little bit. . .for now.

I haven't felt so. . .relaxed for a long time.

December 2008 has been my worst month in a lot of months I've gone through so far. I suffered 2 losses, a love and a loved one. I haven't felt so down in a long time. My heart broke twice in that month. If anyone every asked me to experience it again for a million dollars, I'd rather keep a feeling of a healing heart than take the materialistic item. I never want my heart to shatter twice in one month ever again. I wish I can guarantee myself with that, but I can't.

This month, January, I've had 3-4 people tell me they'll be in support of me if anything goes wrong. Just for now, things are getting slightly better.

One of the best things about this month was probably finally being able to be friends with someone who went through drama with me last year & had a broken friendship until now. I'm happy that we're finally talking again.

Right now, I think. . .I might have feelings for a guy. . .the size of a grain of sand. haha. But overall, my heart doesn't belong to anyone right now. Dealing with the heart is tiring. The guy who I loved has moved on, & I'm beginning to, too.

"Sometimes the cards we are dealt are not always fair. However you must keep smiling & moving on."
-- Tom Jackson

I've messed up.

Lately, I've found out that I screw up so many things & I'll never be able to fix them.

My first is having a friend who I assumed wrong & I think she will never forgive me. I wish she knew how sorry I am. I've said things that were definitely not necessary and what I said was wrong & harsh. I tried to be friends with her again after things happened & then I screwed up the friendship again. Now, every time I see her, I feel sick to the stomach & scared, thinking that I'm passing by someone who might despise me.

My second is being annoying to someone who was so close to me. I let a relationship get in the way between us and it cut off our friendship, without us knowing it. Though supposedly we made a promise to be best friends, it isn't like how it used to be anymore. A 3 year friendship was destroyed by a 5 month relationship. This is what truly breaks my heart.

My third is when I was little, I used to be connected with my cousins and were close to all of them but then as I entered middle school, I got consumed in friends & drifted apart from family. Now, I'm trying to make relations with them again and I'm trying to talk & get along with all my cousins again. So far, it isn't working out so well.

My fourth is in freshman year, I despised a person I befriended with in the beginning. I saw her qualities and I didn't like them. But now I'm friends with her again but I don't know how it's going right now.

So, I've screwed up many friendships in my life. I always screw it up & lose a friend, one by one. I just wish I had someone who can deal with what I throw at them. I wish there would be someone who, no matter how angry I get, how bitchy I get, how annoying I get, how moody I get, that person would always be there scolding me on how I shouldn't act that way or how that person would always be there for me to complain to & they'll give me their point of view on the situation. I just need someone who will stick with me, by my side, even if everyone walks away.

"Lose one friend, lose all friends, lose yourself."
--Unknown

Trust.

Trust is something I've always resented because it always hurt me in the end. When I trusted someone, they end up walking out of my life one way or another. I've fully trusted 8 people in my life so far, excluding parents/family. Yes, I appreciate how they were always there for me and always had my back but in the end for some reason. . .they walk out & then our friendship isn't the same ever again. I can never give them that full trust that I gave to them in the beginning. Sometimes I wonder if I can find someone who will truly be there for me, even if everyone else walks out.

Some people tell me things that are supposed to have BIG meaning but they treat it as if it doesn't mean anything to them at all.What a waste of words. THOSE are the people who destroy how special some phrases are.THAT'S the reason why I don't give my trust to ANYONE. Because how the hell should I know who MEANS what they say & who DOESN'T?

Some have said that they loved me, but actually in reality, they only like me. That destroys the special meaning of "I love you."
Some have told me that they'll always be there for me, through thick and thin, but actually in reality, when I needed them, they weren't there for me.
Some have told me they'll never turn their back on me, but actually in reality, they walk right out of my life when something goes wrong.
Some called me a best friend & said we'll always be best friends no matter what, but actually in reality, we suddenly drift apart and never become friends again, especially the way we were in the beginning.

Why bother wasting your breath on empty words?

"It takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it."
--Unknown
"Love all, trust a few."
--William Shakespeare

Memories haunt me.

I was just reading my old xanga entries from 2006-2007. Wow how things have changed. Haha. Yup. Those were the days. But when I read some of them, it's as though I'm reliving something for the 2nd time because before each entry, I typed a feeling I had about stupid love. . .and it matches how I feel a little right now.

Today, I didn't feel well. Not catching a cold, but just. . .a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I hate that feeling.

I'd really like to go somewhere FAR from the United States soon. Traveling is the one thing I hope I'm able to do VERY soon. I'd like to finally get out of the place where I've been stuck in my whole life. I'm suffocating from the memories and old routine.

"I have memories - but only a fool stores his past in the future."
--David Gerrold

I guess I'm a fool.

Just another day. . .

Today is the 2nd day of school after winter break. Finals are coming up in 3 weeks. -_- Woooo.

I still get the same little feeling everytime I see him. Everytime he's near. Everytime I just think about seeing him soon. That's why I'm sometimes a little glad to not see him. All I do is lie to myself where he is, so it will discourage me into having that little feeling. It's been a little over a month now & my heart is still in the same place as it was since June14th. Time is passing me by too fast.

I am going to be attending my first funeral in my life soon. Things are going to be rough: Sounds of crying, silent sounds of heartaches, and the looks on those who are mourning. & I will be one of those people.

Things still aren't looking up for me. I'm trying so hard to push myself forward. My body may be anywhere but my heart & part of my mind remains in place.

I wish I can tell him I love him again and him telling me he loves me back too (and mean it). But who am I kidding? Those are my only wishes & ever since Dec1st on, I don't believe in wishes coming true anymore. I used to wish on dandelions and a wish that I hoped for the most actually came true. ..but it came crumbling to pieces.

I guess I'm just typing whatever's on my mind today. Blah.

"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go."
-- Author Unknown

Reminisce.

Just from my AIM profile:
I miss him. I miss when he used to say silly sweet things to me on the phone. I miss how he used to always want me extremely happy, even if it didn't benefit him. I miss how we'd always sneak up on each other and poke each other on the cheeks. I miss how we'd stick together like peanutbutter and jelly, wherever I was, he'd be there too. I miss how he said dummii things and it'd always make me laugh. I miss how we used to go out & have a load of fun at the movies. I miss how he gave me all his love & how he'd always be there for me. I miss how he was my best friend. I miss how he'd always wait for me after my class. I miss how we'd pass notes to each other every other period. I miss how he'd offer me a hug & pretend to be sad when I pretended to refuse. I miss how he'd always listen to what I've got to say and he'd put in his opinion too. I miss how he was the person that I would always turn to. I miss trusting him with all my heart. I miss how he called exactly at 9 so we can talk until 10. I miss how he'd always understand me. I miss how we talked about how we would stay together for a lifetime and future plans we'll do. I miss how he pretended to propose to me, I'd say yes, and I'd give him a funny feeling inside. I miss how he'd always wait for me. I miss how he'd always put up with me. I miss everything. I miss 61408.

I had feelings for him since freshman year but I didn't even notice until sophomore year. We treated each other differently from everyone else. The only difference between us was he knew he had feelings for me, when I didn't know I had feelings for him at all.

But I screwed everything up. I screwed up one of the best opportunities that I can get. I had to have some sort of crappy attitude. I had to be a stupid idiot about everything. I had to be a clingy bitch every moment. Something about me made us not last. If I knew what, I would take it back & start all over again. I want another chance to show him I can be his support, be his love, be his best friend.

. . .but that chance isn't going to come by.

All I can do is think back to the past.

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."
-- Kahlil Gibran

First day of blogging.

Today I guess I'll start to blog because Sean told me to so I can vent. Haha.

At the rate of how things are going right now, I just wish to move somewhere far from here because there are too many memories stacked upon each other. My mind is overfilled with events that have happened & events I wish could have happened. All I do is regret and watch everything pass me by. I want to step into tomorrow's events but part of me is still stuck in yesterday.

Blaah. I don't know. I guess I'm just rambling.

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us. "
-- Alexander Graham Bell