Insecurities?

I think I have learned last year that MANY people are insecure. They're always afraid of looking like a loner, seriously afraid of what others will think of them, and maybe even hurting others emotionally just to make themselves feel better.

Oh, please. Last year, after I learned that many people are insecure, I've let go some of that myself. I used to be afraid of sitting alone at a table or afraid of walking somewhere alone. But I don't care anymore. I sit all by myself with other people around me with their friends. I go walk and shop alone somewhere if I need to. As long as I'm occupied while I'm sitting or going somewhere, I really don't give a shit what other people think. I don't care if they think I'm a loner. I don't care if people are looking at me weird if I'm shopping alone. I just don't care anymore.

Life is too short for me to care about what other people think ALL THE TIME. Sure, I'll admit I do care what other people think when I dress a little messy or when I do or say something weird, but the thing I don't care about most is if they think that I'm some sort of loner. Many people tell their friends "Hey, come with me. I don't want to go alone." Maybe they feel insecure, maybe they just want company. But ALL THE TIME? I don't even care. I just say I'll be back and walk off.

SO many people are always saying they have so many friends and show it all the time. . .but are those people really what you call "friends"? Oddly, I will refer to FaceBook. Sure. You have 290 friends on FaceBook and say that other people are loners when they only have 50 friends. But do you even talk to every single one of those 290 all the time? I don't add people who I don't even say a WORD to. If they add me, I'll accept. But I don't go around adding people I've only SEEN around campus and then calling them my FRIENDS. It's just stupid. I have a small range of friends who are really FRIENDS. I don't care if I tell people I only have 20-30 friends max because it's true and it's because they actually talk to me and accept me.

I remember one time someone saw my buddy list for AIM and was all "Wow. AHAHA. You're SUCH a loner." Just because I don't have 500 buddies on my list just to make me look good. I just shrug it off and if they persist with it, I get mad. I don't get mad because they have more "buddies" than me, I get mad because they indirectly want me to feel insecure just so they make themselves feel better. I just think that in the end, my small range of friends will be there for me when other people's 500 "buddies" are only names on a list.

Sigh. I don't even know if this all makes sense but whatever.

"People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed with their fears at the expense of their dreams."
--Norman Cousins

"Only the insecure strive for security."
-- Wayne Dyer

Traveling. ♥

Right now, I'm talking to my friend about my plan to travel to Taiwan very soon. When I think about it, my heart flutters. Traveling has been on my mind ever since freshman year. Travel everywhere in the world. Europe, Taiwan, even Africa. My ultimate plan for travel is in my heart and I will write my experiences in a journal. I have already accomplished one out of six during the summer. I have all my plane tickets too. (:

I don't know why I chose to travel as an ultimate goal. Maybe because I think of how much is out there and how different things are. Maybe because I just want to get out of the suffocating surroundings of the United States. I don't know for sure but all I know is that traveling is planted in my heart and will be watered by each place I travel. The love of it continues to grow each time I travel and hopefully when I'm finished, the love of it blooms and I will be satisfied.

I also hope for a traveling companion. That would make my experience 10xs better because I get to share my traveling with someone whom I love to be with. Let it be a friend, a close family member, or a love.

I'm hoping my next traveling plan is Europe. Then maybe South America.

Accomplishment: Two out of seven. I am going to finish.

"The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page."
--Saint Augustine

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How to label this post, I'm not quite sure.

Thinking back on it now is different than it was two months ago. Two months ago, it pained my heart continuously. The aspects of the mix of friendship and love fogged up like a heavy, thick mist crossing my path. I'm not sure what has happened now; maybe it got numbed out, maybe I just got used to it. This isn't fear because I'm not running away. . .am I? Tears have not run down my face in a while. Is this someday going to hit me hard? I am not upset that this has happened but I'm not happy either.

I know I complain about that person many times but he affected me so much. Three years with a serious on and off relation with the f-king guy is. . .ridiculous. But it's finally done. We will never go back to each other. He kept breaking me and breaking me until I've finally shattered. I'm fucking done.
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On a different note, six days away until this year is completely gone. 2009. . .gone. I remember when I JUST started high school and the first person I remembered who went to Fountain Valley High was my cousin who was a senior. Now I'M the one who's in his place. When I got the envelope packet for cap and gown, I was just. . .dumbfounded. The next are rejection letters from colleges. Puahaha. Well the first thing for school when we all go back two weeks from now is to get used to writing '10 on our papers.

When I think of the future, my eyes stare off and my mind wanders. If anything, there is an equal amount of negatives and positives in the future. I'm terribly afraid of the negatives, and I'm awaiting the positives.

Speaking of positives, I think I've taken a piece of my former best friend with me along the way in high school. She always believed in fate and how random occurrences aren't really random. I've been noticing that I've been believing in fate a lot now too. Puahaha. Sounds ridiculous but if I meet someone and they become a friend or maybe even something more to me, I truly think it's fate and not a random draw of the cards. Maybe I'm completely wrong, or sometimes I may be right. Who knows. The cards might be randomly delt, or the deck could be completely rigged and is meant for each individual.

2010. . .I hope my cards are delt nicely, unlike 2009.

Merry Christmas, and almost a Happy New Year.

"Just because Fate doesn't deal you the right cards, it doesn't mean you should give up. It just means you have to play the cards you get to their maximum potential."
--Les Brown

What have I become?

I have no passion for any clubs this year. I say that I'll do things but then I don't. I say I'll better myself but I end up turning around. I feel like just doing the minimum for things instead of aiming for a high achievement. I just sit around lazily, not bothering to spend my time decently.

This year is nearly over and I vowed when senior year started, I'm going to do as much as I can to make senior year memorable. And what have I done? I HAVEN'T DONE SHIT. I truly wanted to go to the Rose Float Decoration event this year but in the end, I didn't even bother and pay for Key Club. My college applications are at an extreme minimum. My sights of a UC are fading away. I wanted to join 3 club this year but in the end I joined NONE.

I'm trying the best I can to make things right. Make things last. Make things memorable. But I'm doing the extreme opposite. My heart's breaking when I think of what I'm becoming.

I wish and hope to vow for 2010 to be the change-for-the-better year. I need to. I hope to. I truly hope to.

I truly wonder what I have become.

"By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail."
-- Benjamin Franklin