Learning.

There are so many lessons that must be learned throughout life: true friendships, going through hardships, standing up high, letting go, and so much more. But the true difficulty is how well and how long it will take to accomplish these lessons in life. We might think we know, say, what a true friendship is; but when something goes wrong, it all heads down to square one again and we're so lost on what a friendship really is.

Right now, true friendship and letting go are my demanding lessons that I must learn more than little by little. I've hurt people and I've been hurt way too many times.

I think that I'm being a good friend but in the end, I'm still trying to figure out how to be a TRUE good friend. My actions that have taken place lately were not actions of a true friend. But the thing is, I don't know how to deal with my emotions such as annoyance or tiredness towards a friend. And that is what I must learn. And I hope I learn soon.

Letting go has never been an easy thing for me. It's always held me back and beat my heart to a pulp. I THINK that I finally let go but then I snap back to the start. . .especially when it comes to someone I love(d). Sometimes I dream of finally meeting the guy who will take me away and finally not shatter my heart into pieces but then my mind drifts back to the stuck situation I'm in now and I droop my head because this is the reality of what my heart is currently feeling. I wish for the right guy. . .but that will never happen.

Lessons of life are difficult to wrap one's mind around but maybe, just maybe, when they are finally learned, there will be the biggest sense of accomplishment in the future and the heart will finally feel like it's set free.

"The difference between school and life? In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson."
-- Tom Bodett

Losing it all.

I've lost my best friend who I thought would stay by my side as I did for him. The one who I wrote a big part of a paragraph in my UC essay because he inspired me and had such a big impact on me. The one who I told everything to. The one I always turned to.

I've lost a good friend of mine who was my friend since freshman year. She knew that I was the moody type but she still stuck with me as a friend and put up with me, though sometimes I took her for granted. I never used her. Ever. Though sometimes we'd have these negative moments, we were still friends.

Now I'm going to lose my puppy. My adorable, hyper, crazy, fierce, scared 3-year-old Tofu Lee. I love him to death. He's the only one who, no matter how mean I treat him sometimes, still comes running up to me when he sees me in the backyard, hyped up and ready to play. My emotional attachment towards him is the strongest I've ever had for any pet, though he does trouble me and my parents a lot. But they even love him. I even asked my mom and she said that she and my dad don't want to give him away at all but we have to because he's only trouble in our hands. If I were to turn back time to the moment I got him, I would have trained him hard and disciplined him so he doesn't have to be so troublesome. I love my puppy so much. Now he's going to be gone by latest this week.

This month has been horrifying for me and now I'm going to have to face December, when the two painful events occurred last year. I can't stand the thoughts of any future events right now. These two months have ripped and are still going to rip me apart even further.

I don't know how to handle the moments that are going to come at me like a sword in the stomach.

"When we lose one we love, our bitterest tears are called forth by the memory of hours when we loved not enough."
--Maurice Maeterlinck

Friend or foe?

I know. I've posted a blog about friends a few months ago but this time it's different.

Today, I've had a few conversations about friendship. . .and it's horrendous.

The first one was practically a, shall I say, confusing deception? Two people don't really like each other but one still tries to act like a friend but the other. . .is furious. The way two friends treat each other past the limit. . .it's outrageous. Yes, ridiculing each other a little is alright because that's what all friends do. But up to the point where it's completely offensive phrase after phrase. . .don't people understand a limit? This may bite me in the back later but I don't know. Like my title of the blog, "Thoughts on paper."

The second was how some people can be self-centered. I guess I've realized that One somewhat self-centered person after the other, I have learned how to deal with it. And now I guess. . .tolerate? Maybe not completely self-centered people but self-centered comments.

I don't even know what I'm blabbing about right now but friendship. . .I can't even tell what a true friendship is anymore. People talk behind each others' backs, they use each other, they pretend to have something between them when there really isn't anything. . .it just leaves me speechless. I know, I may do that too sometimes. . .but I don't know. It just shows how much oddity and meaningless words there are behind "friendship" now.

Tell me, what is a real, true, there-for-you-and-you're-there-for-him/her friend now?

"The path of social advancement is, and must be, strewn with broken friendships."
--H.G. Wells

Dazed thoughts.

As my eyes fall into a daze, my mind falls into a pool of changes. Changes that I never knew would take place. Changes that I have to put up with. . .and these aren't the only ones I'm going to deal with. There are going to be ten million more handful of changes that I'm going to have to face. I hope the positives outweigh the negatives.

The hastiness of time races by the stillness of my actions. I stand and stare at the profile of the moments I almost have to set my eyes on face-to-face. My heart races and the beads of sweat form, trickling down my temples. I tell myself I cannot do this but myself argues back that I can. I must. These moments will not linger for me. I close my eyes and think that the fact that these moments are so close frightens me.

"The key to change... is to let go of fear."
-- Rosanne Cash
But what if what I'm afraid of is change?

Forgetting the simplicities.

These past few weeks have been, truthfully, complete hell. There were only a few good times but the hell-ish days outweigh the positiveness by so much. I'm starting to forget the simplicities and silliness that I need to enjoy. But today I think I finally had my best laugh in weeks.
After I got home from tutoring, my mom was messing with the badminton rackets and the birdie. Then I joked around and offered to play. She gave me the second racket. Then we started to ATTEMPT to play badminton in the living room. We hit the birdie ALL over the place. My mom usually doesn't do silly things like this but when she does and I'm included, I have those hilarious "what the hell are my mom and I doing?" moments. And this was one of them. We kept playing badminton. And then my mom even said "When your dad comes downstairs, we have to stop or else he's going to yell at us for almost hitting the TV!" I laughed so hard. My dad finally comes downstairs and asks what we're doing. Then he gets all concerned about the TV so my mom and I moved to the small family room near the front door. We started to play again. When my mom kept accidentally hitting the ceiling, I cracked up so bad. I could NOT stop laughing. I'm still sick so I couldn't breathe even more than when I just crack up in general. It was the most hilarious thing I've ever seen.
I guess the whole point of that was to say that these silly moments give me a small sigh of relief that life didn't suddenly turn into complete stress and complications.

"Laughter is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain."
--Charlie Chaplin

I'm really out of it.

I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm dazing out, especially when I'm driving.
Today I almost accidentally hit a pedestrian. If my mom didn't point him out, I would have committed a crime.
The other day I don't even know if I ran a red light or not.
I sometimes don't pay attention to if the light turned green or not.
I'm a total hazard. -_-

Anyhoo, besides dazing out when I'm driving, I keep dazing out when I'm in class too. I get so tired and gah. I don't even know.

I thought October was going to be annoyingly stressful, but November is terribly stressful now. There's too many things to do. Well. . .overall, it's just academic business. Grades and college applications. But I keep putting them both off because I'm so damn lazy. I have to change the habit. And fast.

I miss my tutoring buddies so much, too. I want to see them all again really soon. They were like a small family to me, and still are, even though we're all separated. The day we're all finally together again, I'll be the happiest person for that day. I miss you guys so much Bianca, Nhan, Tammy, Brian, and Cindy (pshh I still see Aaron every week :P Though I do miss him on Mondays!). I hope I see you guys soon. (: (Oh, and who Tammy calls widdo freshman, Albert! I miss him too!)

Things are starting to become a real challenge, but I hope to look at these challenges as just a mountain to climb over. . .as just an ocean to swim across.

"I do believe that when we face challenges in life that are far beyond our own power, it's an opportunity to build on our faith, inner strength, and courage. I've learned that how we face challenges plays a big role in the outcome of them."
-- Sasha Azevedo

"Accept the challenges so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory."
-- General George S. Patton