What's on my mind?

a)15 minutes left of this spooky night. The end of another day. Happy Halloween.

b)I've gotten sick and have been sick for the past 3 days now. It's not fun. NyQuil makes me drowsy. That's the only funny thing (: rofl.

c)Today I gave Nhan's present! I'm proud of it. [: It makes me want to make a collage out of my blank wall in my room. Maybe I'll do that soon.

d)Tomorrow. . .the start of a stressful pressure for me. I'm going to push myself to the extreme limit. I don't have time to slack off anymore. I've slacked off for 2 months and my grades have dropped like a rock out of the blue, blue sky.

e)I JUST finished signing up for my SAT Subject Tests II's. I have a little over a month to study two subjects. I'm dead meat.

f)My classes are starting to pressure and fall in on me faster and faster. I'm starting to suffocate with the grades that are colliding on me.

g)Academics, academics, academics. The only word that's on my mind now.

h)College applications due soon! This is crazy. Why is it being thrown so fast? My tests. . .my grades.

i)I need music to calm me. But how much longer can it control my mind before it spins?

j) ALL OF THE ABOVE.

"The only pressure I'm under is the pressure I've put on myself."
--Mark Messier

What's going to happen now?

The first thing I'd like to say is. . .

I want to watch the movie "The Blind Side". I'm already about to cry watching the trailer. I can't wait to go watch it. (: Hopefully.

Anyhoo, moving on.

So, I already see that there's no point for me having feeling for anyone because they backfire on me anyway. I'm keeping my heart to myself. I need to protect it and keep it safe from any harm. It's been smashed and stomped on once too many times throughout this year. I just have to smile, walk on, and find someone someday.
"In this monochrome world, I will search the depths of the earth and the limitless skies for you. . ." I'll search for you. Somewhere, someday.

It's coming closer and closer to December. The month I hate. It feels as if it was just last year that those two heartbreaking moments happened to me. It's almost been a year since Ah-ma passed. I can still picture that last moment I saw her. That tear that formed from her eyes. She knew. . .she knew. I want to cry, so bad. I'm going to ask my parents to go to Rose Hill on December 28th.
The other heartbreak was that stupid idiot. I don't even want to talk about him.
Never again, will I ever experience December '08.
Oh, how time passes by like the wind that quickly blows.

Today, my English class went into the library with two other classes so Mr. Walters could talk to us about college. Sean Nguyen was next to me and started to freak out. Inside, I was starting to get more and more scared, too. I knew this moment would come but I never thought that it would come and hit me in the face SO fast. I just stare at a hard-copy of an application that I am considering. I haven't even touched it yet. And it's due very soon because it's a private school. I'm screwed. But the thing is, I don't know WHY I still sit here, lagging it out even though I KNOW I'm on a strict deadline. I'm so scared to face any of this.

What's going to happen now?

"Predicting the future is easy.
It's trying to figure out what's going on now that's hard."
--Fritz R. S. Dressler

The soothing sounds of the piano.

I've been really into piano music, nowadays. The only music I've listened to recently is just piano on my Pandora Radio - Yiruma list. I love it. It's so calming. And if I listen to all different piano songs, I wouldn't know if it's a repeat or not because they all bend together and it's just beautiful. (: Like, right now, I'm listening to Daybreak by Steven C. I don't know who the heck he is but his song is wonderful. Some of the music is just heartbreaking but amazing at the same time.

I think I started listening to piano music ever since I heard Yiruma - River Flows In You. That's such a wonderful piece. And then I kept moving up with Yiruma music. Then I listened to Clair De Lune. And then I played a game with the song Before Dawn by Isaac Shepard. And so on. Now it's this whole beautiful playlist. I just love this so much.

I don't know why piano music hooks me on so much. Maybe it's just the calm melody, or maybe the sorrowfulness of the melody. Or even both. [: All I can conclude is that I can't stop listening. When I do. . .then I'm a changed person. [: I don't know. hahaha.

"[The piano is] able to communicate the subtlest universal truths by means of wood, metal and vibrating air."
"No other acoustic instrument can match the piano's expressive range, and no electric instrument can match its mystery."
--Both by Kenneth Miller

Denial.

Part of my mind is pushing me to believe it, the other part is telling me "NO!". . .completely in denial. Because I believe that this is NOT possible. And this must be a joke to myself. Yeah, that should be it. I'm just feeling this way because my heart doesn't belong to anyone. I've known this guy ever since 7th grade. Why would it happen RIGHT NOW? Delusional, delusional, delusional. It has to be it. And it would never happen, anyway. Never ever. I know that. Today I've been going crazy because of the above. >:l Arghhh!

Yeahhh. . .I'm just going a little crazy and need to back off. -_-

Halloween is coming up NEXT WEEK! I don't think trick-or-treating is an option for me. xD Maybe. Just maybe. Hmm. School's too much of a routine. I wish there was some way I could change it up a bit. But then again. . .it's passing by REALLY fast. It's already been more than a month of school. The next time I blink, it will be the end of December already. Time is amazingly scary.

I hope something extraordinary happens this senior year; just one moment that will leave me breathless.

"It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept."
--Bill Watterson

Oh, how life can be so interesting.

The heart squeezes tight and then suddenly bursts.
Then it has no feelings at all anymore.

The loss of the feeling of happiness and love is the total numbness of the happy side of the heart. All that is left is the pain and suffering and memories of the shattered side of the heart.

Love and happiness is no longer present in the heart.







Senior year is killing me ): Just a bit. But I'm trying to keep my head up and continue to try and do well in my classes. I don't know why I feel as if I should just give up on senior year. Senioritis? Maybe so. I told myself it wouldn't hit me though! I have to stay alive in this wilderness of the last year of high school. I can do it, can't I?

I think I have found something that could make me feel the best that I've wanted to feel about myself. I found a homeless shelter called Colette's Home (or something around there) and it's right here around Fountain Valley and Huntington Beach. I just wonder why they need my fingerprints. . .but I'm hoping to turn in the forms soon and help out with children and make them happy. (=


"If something anticipated arrives too late it finds us numb, wrung out from waiting, and we feel - nothing at all. The best things arrive on time."
-Dorothy Gilman