Giving it my all.

Today has been an awesome day. It started off QUICK with a rush to finish getting ready and heading to Bolsa Grande High School where the volunteers for the annual Tet Festival were. I met up with Jacqueline and we signed up for the same days. Don't forget Jacqueline! Wednesday and Friday. [: I've always wanted to volunteer ever since last year because it seemed like sooo much fun. Also, I won't be able to volunteer for anything like this so might as well go for it. [:

Soon, Nicole and I headed to Irvine Jamboree. It was sort of slow because the whole rest of the group didn't show up yet. D: But about 2 hours later (LOL) James, Darcy, Victoria, and Vivan appeared. Then when we headed into the karaoke center, Thomas, Eric, and Brian showed up. We all got set up and seated. Then the singing began! I was sort of timid and wasn't sure of what to sing but I decided "What the heck. These people are awesome and open. Why need to kill off my own fun?" So I picked a few songs and sang as loud as I could. It was TOTALLY worth it and fun in the end. And in the end, I made a few friends who are outrageously AWESOME. I'm so glad I made the effort to sing and open up to these them. [:

Right after Irvine Jamboree, I had a plan of taking my friend J0na to the beach. After picking him up, it felt like FOREVER going down to the beach on Magnolia. Maybe because there were no turns or anything. Well, when we got there, we walked straight to the water. I was NOT planning to get the ends of my jeans wet but about 2 minutes after thinking that, my feet were drenched, followed by my jeans. After that, I didn't care anymore. I stepped deeper and in the end, most of my legs were soaked. I listened to the waves crash and I loved it. I've never been to the beach when it wasn't a bonfire before. It was fantastic. And I had tons of fun moments with J0na. That also made it worth while. It was a nice one hour just playing with the sand and stepping into the ocean. I was actually about to not ask J0na to go with me because I thought it would be totally weird. But I just thought "Hey, are there any reasons why I shouldn't ask and go? If he says no, then so what? I'll just go by myself." I've wanted to go to the beach this weekend. And I told myself I would. And I did. But I really am glad a friend came along.

Telling others how I feel isn't an easy thing; let it be if I like someone, hate someone, or not giving a care for someone. The hardest one would have to be telling someone I like him. Words don't come out right, I take forever to say it, and if I'm face to face with him, I start fidgeting and trying to laugh it off as no big deal. Especially when I have somewhat of a story behind it. And one of those "dang it" feelings far deep inside is when I see that obviously he doesn't feel the same. But hey, what can I do, you know? I'm not going to obsess over anything and make him like me. That's just wrong. So I shrug it off and assume that it's just not going to work. Especially if he's a friend. I don't want to lose a friendship over stupid feelings I have. It's just ridiculous. The only thing I'm afraid of and don't like is if there is awkwardness. Andd. .. if there is, and there's an intense amount of it, I just let it be. Step away from the friendship and let go. Because maybe sometimes those awkward moments just never heal up and it just doesn't feel right anymore, no matter how long it takes.
But I guess I give it my all if at a point, I feel like I need to tell the person I do like him and watch for the make-or-break moment.

Well anyways, overall, this weekend has been pretty good. [: I'm hoping I can have more enjoyable weekends like this.

"What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?"
-- Vincent van Gogh

Forgiveness and smiles.

Forgiveness comes to me easier than most. It may not be quick, it may not be sudden, but it does come.

Just a few days ago, I confronted to my friend that I was really frustrated about how he kept telling me he'd visit me at school, two times to be precise, but never called, never showed. After the second time, I realized I was sick of hearing things like that. I wasn't mad that he didn't show up, I was mad because of the lack of action was taken that were supposed to follow those words.

Ever since I'm not sure when, I've been watching what I say to people. I make sure I don't say anything that would be considered a promise I can't keep. I don't tell other people anymore "Hey! Let's go hang out next week!" and then not talk to them about the plan after that. What's the point of making a make-believe plan when it's never going to turn into reality?

Getting back to the point, I was still pretty ticked after that. But then it quickly died off. I didn't feel the need to be mad anymore. And then today, I heard a rumor about him about partying hard so I asked him. I wouldn't know if this is exactly the truth or not but getting an answer about a rumor directly from the person is what I consider more of the truth than a twisted rumor. But he told me it was exaggeration. I believe him. And I forgive him for his broken words a few days ago. He's a friend and someone I've known since my sophomore year. I've had good times hanging out with him. I don't throw away friendship like that.

Now I'm just a bit disappointed in the person who told me the rumor. I don't want to but I am.

I have no clue of this part of the post makes sense but I guess I'm trying to say that no matter how bad something may be, I forgive in the end. Maybe that's what makes me emotionally vulnerable.

===

I tell others "it's okay" and smile. Why do I smile like a freak? Because I don't want others to stay in the pit of pain or agony. I put others before myself. Always. Sounds like bullshit but it's true. Sometimes I may be reluctant like when someone who I may be irritated with asks me for a quick car ride somewhere but I just go take them anyways. I hate the sound and feeling of disappointment. So I just smile and say "sure." I may sound like one of those annoying optimistic freaks who look on the sunshine part of things. I may be one of those optimistic freaks. Who knows. But smiling at someone or making someone smile, even if it's just a little, gives them a second of a positive moment, especially if they are in a bad time.

A second reason why I try and smile all the time because I'm trying to live the moment. Literally. Before, I used to always hide away and show a straight face. But now, I try and talk to anyone in class and smile and make small jokes and laugh. And with my friends, I don't sit around and stare off. With my friends in my classes, like in AP Economics, I would always talk, laugh, and smile before class with my friend who sat in front of me and my other friend who sat diagonally from me. They were hilariously awesome to talk to. Even if it was during an 8-minute passing period, I made most of those 8 minutes fun before dreadful lecture.

I may sound pathetic in the end but this is how I am. There are so many negative aspects of me such as not being able to keep a conversation going, getting mad easily, and even just getting moody. But I try and make up these bad aspects with what I feel is right to do. And forgiving and smiling are what I try and achieve.

"You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well."
-- Lewis B. Smedes

"If you see a friend without a smile; give him one of yours."
--Proverb

Taking a risk & appreciation.

Have I written a post on taking a risk? Oh well. If I have, that was then, this is now. Risk taking has never been in my book before. I've always dodged it and kept it on the down low, on the safe side. But last year I thought about again and wonder, 'Why restrict myself just because it may do me harm emotionally or physically? Like that one saying "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."' So I've been taking risks. I've allow myself to take a risk of a heartbreak, a risk of breaking an arm, a risk of dreaming&hoping, a risk of something that will never come by again, a pure risk of life.

I may not be taking large steps into risk taking but it's just all what I feel is right for myself. I will take those small steps to a make or break situation. And I guess if things break, I will look to the fact that I won't have to look back on a change of the past. And if things make, go well, then I'll be proud of myself that I took the chance that would have not come by ever again.

===

The smallest things in life I appreciate. Simplicities are what I love most.
I love the decision of picking a bowl of food that's just all mixed together but delicious in the end instead of the plate of elegance and having only a hint of flavor.
I love the decision of sitting down and watching the world instead of feeling the rush of the city life.
I love the decision of going somewhere quiet with someone and just talking instead of a massive group of friends going this way and that.
Sometimes I may go haywire and think complex thoughts, over-think too many situations, and even just plain flipping out. But afterwords, I relax and just take the situation that is handed to me and accept it and move on. I'm still learning, and I feel that I'm learning well so far.
Appreciation is unappreciated so much these days.
"Take for granted" shows up more.
If only people focus and see that.

"The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live."
-- Leo F. Buscaglia

"Learn everything you can, anytime you can, from anyone you can - there will always come a time when you will be grateful you did."
-- Sarah Caldwell

And. . .here we go.

I'm listening to my favorite piano song and listening to the rain pitter-patter to the floor outside. It makes me relax and think about things. (:

Lately, I've been thinking a lot again about how this year is turning out for me. Yeah. I now see it's completely karma or something. My luck's been down the drain. LOL.

My grades haven't been pretty and finals start tomorrow. It's either a make or break with my B's to push up to A's. Physics I'm done for. It's a B. Math I can MAYBE cut it with a 90%. Just maybe if I ace the final tomorrow. English is a lost grade that I will see when report cards come in. APEcon is, I hope, just a B. And APEnvironmental. . .AHAHAHA. This was a failed semester for that class. No kidding. These next three days are going to be. . .a truck-load of stress. So much for my relaxation now. ):

Ugh. I tried twice just now to write about feelings but they both failed. I guess I'll make it simple. I met a guy. We talked and got to know each other better. I wasn't sure if I had a crush on him and I'm still not sure. I thought he was showing signs. I was totally off. He clarified he didn't have feelings. But I'm still a little confused on how things added up. This is the first guy in a while who I just couldn't get the right words to describe. Not in a good or bad way. It's just. . .I don't even know. I'm not upset over anything. But it's been in a while since I've thought so much. Not focusing on him, but just in general on what's going on with me right now.
Maybe I do have a grain-sized feeling for him. But it doesn't matter, you know?

"Never assume the obvious is true."
--William Safire

Hate: I never though I'd say it.

My heart doesn't have time, room, or itself to feel hate. But when something happens and it hurts me. . .especially when it happens more than once and then it SHATTERS me. . .I start feeling the word creep up on me. I may dislike a few people, but hate is a very rare thing for me and when I feel it, I despise it.

I never knew there were such big jerks out there in this world who are around my age. Maybe that's too much of an innocent thought but it's true, especially when one or two of the jerks were your friends. It hurts so much in the beginning. Then it forms into a feeling of every time they are seen, the heart grimaces.

I'll talk immature-wise. Every time I see the jerk at school, I want to raise the textbook in my hand and throw it at his head. My teeth grind from seeing him, I want to punch someone when I hear his name, I want to kick him down and then walk away.

I can't stand hearing his voice and hearing or seeing his name. I can't even stand a two-second glance of him.

I have my reasons for this hate. I have my side of the story that no one knows about. I never told anyone the complete story and never will no matter how much someone asks unless there's someone out there one day who I get very close to and doesn't know him.

He's one of the small reasons why I want to get out of high school. I hate the thought and feeling of how he can show up any minute and I'll want to chuck something at his face.

This is one of the most immature posts out of my whole blog but there's no other way to get this out there.

"Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply; those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire."
--Kurt Tucholsky

Out in the pouring rain.

I love the rain. I just love it. The sounds of the pit-pit-pitter patter. The small drops that fall from the sky and onto our heads. Maybe I don't want it to rain everyday, but when it does, I smile.

I used to hate being soaked in rain when I go to school. The uncomfortable feeling of drenched jackets and jeans. The clumps of hair that hang over when writing. But today was different.

At lunch, it didn't rain. It poured. At first, I was afraid of my converses getting completely soaked but as the bell rang and we had to speed over to our next class, I was already drenched from head to toe. Then I had a sense of carelessness for it all.

After my friends walked off to their classes and I continued to my class, I just dropped and closed my umbrella. I let the rain pour on my head. I smiled. But I didn't want anyone to ask me why I'm holding an umbrella and not using it so I just opened it back up. But I never put it above my head. I just walked to class, letting my cardigan and jeans soak up the rain, shivering to the bone. But I loved it.

When I got into my classroom, I didn't care what I looked like. I didn't care that my hair was a drenched mess. I didn't care that my red Link Crew shirt had big blotches of darker red from the rain. I just sat, drowned out the voices of all the students in the class and listened to the intense rain.

Maybe I'm being a child about having such a passion for the pouring rain but I don't care. Everyone may hate the rain and think that it's so gloomy and love a sun-shiny day but I don't care. That makes me not part of everyone.

"The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain."
--Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Perfection is NOT the key.

Practice makes perfect. Oh, really now? Ridiculous is listed under the definition of perfect. I have met many people with the attempts to be "perfectionists" in my life. I just laugh and shake my head. In my book, I scratch out perfect and write in doing the best to the ability and maxing it out. Maybe this is a rant. Maybe this puts forth the truth before people's eyes. I wouldn't know.

I used to want to be perfect because I saw that I couldn't do anything with myself. I KNOW that I'm not fully capable of anything. I have to face it: I'm not smart, I'm not pretty, I can't keep a conversation going if it saved my life, I have no special talents, I have horrible habits, I'm clumsy, I get angry easily, I haven't accomplished anything big, and I'm disorganized. But now I know that the word "perfection" will not get me anywhere. I'm just going to have to continue living life, trying to find what I can do best. I have to try and make these negatives lean a little towards the positive. But I don't expect myself to completely reverse myself.

Maybe this is pessimism. Maybe I'm just being a joke because there maybe be perfection somewhere out there. But tell me this, where is something, anything in this world, that is perfect before EVERYONE'S eyes?

"The essence of being human is that one does not seek perfection."
--George Orwell

JTNP

I squinted as I looked up at the height. I look back at eye level and got myself ready. I put my foot on a part of the rock that could keep me stable. My heart beats quickly from the adrenaline pumping through my veins. My foot aims for the next rock to hold me up. I grab on and pull myself forward. Higher and higher. As I climbed a few more big rocks, I became quick with my feet and hopped from rock to rock. I finally reached the top, about 10 or 11 or even 12 feet above the ground. I look around the vast land. I hear fellow students talking at their normal voice but they're miles away. I scream out. I hear my echo. Echo. Echo. I smile. A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity accomplished. It may not be the extreme bouldering that others do, but hey. The first time is just a baby step.

Today was a trip for AP Environmental Science to Joshua Tree National Park in Twentythreepalms. 2 hour car ride there starting at 5:30am and came back at 5:45pm. Dead. Tired. But it was awesome. Sitting in the 15-passenger van, laughing and enjoying the car ride there. A feeling of relaxation. Sleep, of course, came and went during the whole day but when we were out of the van when we got to the park, I was bolting around, keeping up with the group and learning a vast amount of information about deserts. The views from up above Keys View was extraordinary. The partially snow-capped mountains. The sight of the San Andres Fault. The view of the irrigation in the town of Indio. The view of the Salton Sea.

Climbing rocks was at the end of the trip around 2:00pm. This was the highlight of my day. First I was a bit iffy when the teacher said we can go climb rocks now because I'm afraid of heights. I was thinking to myself that I'm not going to dare myself to go high. But then I thought to myself, "Who am I kidding? I might not even be able to do this ever again." So I began to climb (I made sure I can somehow get down though haha). Then soon, I was quick on my feet, popping off rocks and climbing all over. It was just purely FUN. I was following Huy where he could climb. I was surprisingly able to climb where he climbed too. Then when we climbed our last rock and Nicole quickly following behind, we were talking to each other in our normal voices even though we were about 6 feet apart. The land was extremely quiet. Even a slight close-by whisper could be heard. It was amazing.

This is all I can describe right now. The experience has 10x more detail. I'm just. . .astounded by what I've seen and climbed today. Completely in awe.

Then after the trip, Nicole, Huy, Nicole's little brother, and I went to go watch Avatar at 7pm. It was an alright movie but not something I would watch a second time, personally. Haha.

Today has been a tiring but extraordinary day.

"There are no failures - just experiences and your reactions to them."
-- Tom Krause

Sing like no one's listening.

Whenever I hear the perfect song, I quickly search for it and download it. Then I get so into it that I start singing when no one's around. When my parents are not home, I blast my music and sing like I don't give a care in the world. I'm a terrible singer but singing by myself makes me feel relieved. Especially when I'm emotional and frustrated, singing is the best way for me to let go of my feelings without having to describe anything.

Ever since last year, someone smacked the fact that I tell people my problems too much. So I've closed up and learned to keep it to myself unless I can't handle it anymore. But if I do close up, singing helps me let go of the bottled up feeling in a totally different way. Maybe that's why I love music so much. There's a different emotion in each song, so I line up a line of songs and mix those emotions together until I make it my own. Sometimes I blast my iPod and close my eyes and listen. I leave my real world behind and fall into a world of my own. Music saves my heart. Music saves my emotions. Music just saves me.

I may not be in those amazing choirs. I may not let any one hear me just because. But when music comes about my ears, I can't help but sing and allow myself to drift away with the beats.

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent."
-- Victor Hugo

Recently so much thinking and "what if?"s

I'm surprised my mind hasn't broken into pieces yet. Recently, I've been thinking SO much that I sometimes "lose" sleep. I just stay up thinking and thinking and it won't stop. I think of all the possibilities that come with my actions. I think of the silliest things. I reminiscence on the very small memories. I think about the future. I think about who I will meet. I think about who I will lose. I think about school. I think about people. And the list goes on and on.

Today is January 6th, 2010. I'm still trying to grasp the fact that it's 2010. I vowed for a good year. It's turning out. . .pretty bad so far. Maybe I cursed it when I was at Downtown Disney and I was mean by judging people walking by (because I was bored. . .). Gah. I don't even know. But this year continues to lead to MANY thoughts of the "what if's". It's getting tiring but I don't know what to do.

I need to pull myself together again and get this year straight and hit it strong. I still have time. I hope. But I'm already tired. What am I to do?

"I think and think for months and years. Ninety-nine times, the conclusion is false. The hundredth time I am right."
--Albert Einstein

Love is beautifully painful.

Yesterday I stepped into a market and saw that there were already Valentine's Day cards set up. Are you kidding me?! It JUST hit January and Valentine's Day is coming up real fast. Unbelievable.

As much as I kind of don't like Valentine's Day, It'd be really cute to. . .have someone? Hahah. I can't believe I just said that. But I guess it's true. I THOUGHT I might have found a guy just recently to "crush" on and thought MAYBE something might happen but it was totallyyyyyy all in my head. Like always. Maybe I'm just not meant to be with anyone. LOL. I'm practically cursed every time I think I might be able to be involved with someone. It always hits me in the face.

Well another year to see the adorable couples pass by. Another year to see red and pink everywhere. Another year to have a romantic day like this pass by.

Next year, maybe in college, someone will show up in my life. The guy who I've been waiting for. Just maybe. One of these days.

Short pointless post, but it's just what's in my head right now.

"If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life."
--Oscar Wilde

2010. . .a fresh start?

Last night, I went to Downtown Disney with my friend and his friends and family to go count down. It was AMAZING. There were sooo many people there and everyone was hyped up. We got to the front of California Adventures about 8 minutes before the new year. Then we just looked around. I was just in awe the entire time.

And then 10 seconds remained. . .everyone counted. 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1. . .HAPPY NEW YEAR! Fireworks BOOMED.



Amazing. Next year, I'm going to the beach for sure. . .and hopefully with someone I can kiss when it hits 12am. ;D LOL. Just kiddingg.

2010 calls for a fresh start. Or at least an attempt to. I'm going to take risks. I'm going to end high school right. I'm going to volunteer as much as I can. I'm going to change for the better. I'm going to try and slowly let go of bad habits. Many, and I mean MANY, people make a New Year's Resolution and leave it behind them after a month or so. I am going to try and vow not to do that. I have to make these things happen.

As the Chinese say, "加油!"
As the Koreans say, "AJA AJA FIGHTING!"

"If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down."
--Mary Pickford