Forgiveness and smiles.

Forgiveness comes to me easier than most. It may not be quick, it may not be sudden, but it does come.

Just a few days ago, I confronted to my friend that I was really frustrated about how he kept telling me he'd visit me at school, two times to be precise, but never called, never showed. After the second time, I realized I was sick of hearing things like that. I wasn't mad that he didn't show up, I was mad because of the lack of action was taken that were supposed to follow those words.

Ever since I'm not sure when, I've been watching what I say to people. I make sure I don't say anything that would be considered a promise I can't keep. I don't tell other people anymore "Hey! Let's go hang out next week!" and then not talk to them about the plan after that. What's the point of making a make-believe plan when it's never going to turn into reality?

Getting back to the point, I was still pretty ticked after that. But then it quickly died off. I didn't feel the need to be mad anymore. And then today, I heard a rumor about him about partying hard so I asked him. I wouldn't know if this is exactly the truth or not but getting an answer about a rumor directly from the person is what I consider more of the truth than a twisted rumor. But he told me it was exaggeration. I believe him. And I forgive him for his broken words a few days ago. He's a friend and someone I've known since my sophomore year. I've had good times hanging out with him. I don't throw away friendship like that.

Now I'm just a bit disappointed in the person who told me the rumor. I don't want to but I am.

I have no clue of this part of the post makes sense but I guess I'm trying to say that no matter how bad something may be, I forgive in the end. Maybe that's what makes me emotionally vulnerable.

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I tell others "it's okay" and smile. Why do I smile like a freak? Because I don't want others to stay in the pit of pain or agony. I put others before myself. Always. Sounds like bullshit but it's true. Sometimes I may be reluctant like when someone who I may be irritated with asks me for a quick car ride somewhere but I just go take them anyways. I hate the sound and feeling of disappointment. So I just smile and say "sure." I may sound like one of those annoying optimistic freaks who look on the sunshine part of things. I may be one of those optimistic freaks. Who knows. But smiling at someone or making someone smile, even if it's just a little, gives them a second of a positive moment, especially if they are in a bad time.

A second reason why I try and smile all the time because I'm trying to live the moment. Literally. Before, I used to always hide away and show a straight face. But now, I try and talk to anyone in class and smile and make small jokes and laugh. And with my friends, I don't sit around and stare off. With my friends in my classes, like in AP Economics, I would always talk, laugh, and smile before class with my friend who sat in front of me and my other friend who sat diagonally from me. They were hilariously awesome to talk to. Even if it was during an 8-minute passing period, I made most of those 8 minutes fun before dreadful lecture.

I may sound pathetic in the end but this is how I am. There are so many negative aspects of me such as not being able to keep a conversation going, getting mad easily, and even just getting moody. But I try and make up these bad aspects with what I feel is right to do. And forgiving and smiling are what I try and achieve.

"You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well."
-- Lewis B. Smedes

"If you see a friend without a smile; give him one of yours."
--Proverb